I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
