Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
