i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Randomize
