I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
