If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
