you traded sex for a burrito?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
