I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
