you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
