dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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