I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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