how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
