My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
it glows. i had to have it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
