Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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