I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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