I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
