my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
