the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
