I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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