Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
