I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
