Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
