Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
