we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Enjoy the penises
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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