I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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