your thong is hanging out like whoa
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
