help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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