I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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