My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
