you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
