Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
send nudes
from the living room?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
