Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
