just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Sorry my hands just texted you
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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