imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
