adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
