Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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