Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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