I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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