I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
