He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
