My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize