I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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