At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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