I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
