I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize