just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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