I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I am naked and annoyed.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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