my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
