My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
