You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
