so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
