you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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