I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
