what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
