You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
