Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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