he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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