why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
