Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
