dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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